One More Shot

My sister enjoys telling a story about this one moment I shared with all of my siblings while cruising with the family in the Caribbean.  I was bunking with my two brothers.  Both of them are quite younger than I, so I suppose the logic was that I was more responsible and would keep tabs on the two rapscallions.  Or maybe my father just wanted to torture me for a week.  Either way.

In any case, for some reason my sister was going about video taping us getting ready for the formal dinner.  If you’ve never been on a cruise, there’s at least one evening when you have to dress up.  Hopefully it’s at the beginning of the cruise so that your pants still fit.  She walked over to our cabin to interview us.  I was standing just outside the door, explaining that we were all getting ready and that we were all very excited and blah blah blah.  I don’t really recall this conversation, so I’m going to have to take her word for what happened next.  I was in the middle of a sentence when I pause, look back over my shoulder into the cabin where my brothers are getting ready.  In perfect unintentional deadpan I call out to my brothers, “Well then if it’s not your underwear, don’t put it on.”

It’s one of those moments where you say something that you don’t really imagine saying ever again.

Until today.  Today my wife and I were in the kitchen, preparing dinner.  The youngest was safely in her high chair.  The eldest was sitting on the little portable potty in the middle of our living room.  (With toddlers, the mood will strike when it strikes and you had damn well better have a potty close at hand)

I was talking to my wife when all of the sudden I pause, listen for a moment, and call out, “Sweetheart?   Are you putting on your pants?”

My wife nearly had to use the potty herself, she was laughing so hard.

Maybe you had to be there.  Or maybe it’s better that you weren’t.

We’ve been using my daughter’s dollhouse as an incentive to pursue potty training.  Each seven day period that she goes without making a mess in her diapers earns her a trip to the toy store to buy something new for her house.  Each accident that she has during the week moves some of her furnishings to the fireplace mantle, in view but out of reach until she finishes a full day without accidents.

Judging by the number of toys on our mantle, we’ve had a very bad few days.

So my in-laws celebrate each and every birthday in the family with a vengeance.    It doesn’t matter if you’re not a blood relation.  It doesn’t matter if you’d prefer a small quiet dinner.  It doesn’t matter if you’d rather ignore the day.  It doesn’t matter if you’d rather spend the day crying into a good stiff drink as your youth and vigor are sucked away by the inevitable forces of Entropy.  You will celebrate.  You will have a nice dinner with all available family members.  And you will…have…CAKE.

But that’s not the point of this, my second straight post in a row.

My wife asked me what I’d like to do today for my birthday celebration.  After hearing my response she paused, took a breath, and repeated the question.   The second time I gave an acceptable response.  Rather than go to the zoo for the umpteenth time, I decided to go to the Wisconsin State Fair.

I’ve been to the local county fair a number of times.   It’s a lot of fun, really.  I like wandering around and talking to the vendors.  So I figured…what the hey?  Let’s try the State Fair.  And I enjoyed myself.  I am vaguely concerned about the overall combustibility of the complex.  The fair grounds are quite large.  If I had to guess, I’d venture  that at least 70% of the booths I saw contained some kind of cooking oil used to deep fry things that should really NOT be deep fried.  The remaining area contained hay, manure, and hand made clothing made of wool.

One match would convince our government that a small cabal of terrorists dedicated to healthy living and the destruction of trans fats had secured a small nuclear weapon and had detonated it at the nexus of all that’s fried and delicious.  The explosion would be that large.

Deep fried cheese steak, people.  That’s all I’m saying.

If only they had had chocolate covered beef bacon rather than just the regular pork version.

“Why don’t you post any more?” my wife said to me…repeatedly.

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure.  The desire to write up stories and tidbits for consumption by an audience that consists mostly of my wife and my mother has faded over the past few years.   Whenever someone (my wife) asks me that, I’m tempted to just respond:  ”Why don’t you just ask me to tell you a story now?   You’re the only one who will read it.”

Of course, marital stability demands that I occasionally accede to my wife’s requests.

“We’ve got two lovely daughters who are doing funny things all the time!  You should write about them!”

I think to myself, “Twenty years from now, will my daughters really appreciate me posting stories about them pooping, peeing, and babbling in ways that are endearing only if you’re under the age of four?  Especially as I use my real name?”

Of course, then I see my youngest daughter wielding a knife like a baby martial artist.

It was a wooden “knife” that was included in the Melissa & Doug Deluxe Wooden Cutting Fruit Crate.  Completely harmless (unless you poke your eye out).  And yet there’s something about a baby crawling after you with a knife in one hand and a giant grin on her face that gives even rational people like me pause.

So…there you go.

Every parent has been there. Your child has just graduated from the kitchen sink to the full-fledged bathtub. Everything is going great. Your infant or toddler is just enjoying herself. You’re feeling good about yourself. Everything is great.

At that moment your child chooses to remind you that she is not, in fact, potty trained and that you need to move…fast.

We have not had an incident in our tub for several months now.  But it’s always on my mind the moment my daughter touches down in the suds.  The long vacant stare, the sudden noise, the furrowing of brow…all bring about constant vigilance.

So this evening, when I saw my daughter having more than a few far away looks, and when I heard a very suspicious noise arise from the depths, I became nervous.

Calmly, quietly, gently, I ask my daughter if she needed to leave the bath to use the potty.

She stared at me for a moment.  Then responded in her perfectly clear two and half year old voice:

“No Daddy.  I just farted.”

[EDIT]:  For some reason only part of this post posted.  Sorry.

Continue reading →

My family is up in Madison today visiting the in-laws.  I happened to step out for a while to get some shopping done as we were in the “big city”.

While I was out, I happened to check back with the Boss to see if I was forgetting anything.

“Nope,” she said.  “But you did just miss your child rolling over.”

“The eldest?”  I asked.  “That hardly seems amazing, given that she’s nearly three.”

“No…the youngest.  Oops.  She did it again.”

“But the youngest is only two and a half months….”

“Well, she just did it for a third time.”

I arrive back at my in-laws not that long afterwards.  My youngest managed to do it one more time while I was in the next room getting my camera.

Since then she’s utterly refused.

Go figure.

Me:  Ok, I’m ready to go to the Y…where’s our daughter?

Wife:  She’s going upstairs to take a coffee break [nap].

Me:  What do you mean?  We were going to go swimming after lunch.  I told you that.  Why did you send her up for her coffee break?

Wife:  I didn’t.  She told me it was time for a coffee break.

Me:  Come again?

Wife:  She started heading upstairs while you were getting stuff from the basement.  I asked her where she was going and she told me that it was time for coffee break and that she was going upstairs.

Me:  You told her that she would do coffee break after the Y?  And she just got confused?

Wife:  No.

Me:  You gave her the choice of going to the Y or taking a coffee break?

Wife:  No.

Me:  You told her it might be a good idea to take a coffee break instead of going to the Y.

Wife:  No.  She decided it was coffee break completely on her own.  No prompting on my part whatsoever.

Me:….I don’t….I don’t believe you.

Wife:  It’s true.

My perception of the world is shattered.

So…it’s been a few weeks since my last update.   Time flies.  #2 has already passed two months.  #1 has steadfastly refused to have anything to do with the potty, despite early success.

I’ve been trying to post a picture per day to my Project 365 set.  I think I’ve only missed one day so far.  Work progresses.  Life progresses.

Other than that, I’m just tired.  There’s too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Things, like this website, fall by the wayside.   Although now I have a lot more solo-parenting days with my wife’s new schedule.  Maybe I’ll take advantage of those moments after #1 falls asleep (or is at least in her room if not her bed) and before #2 wakes up from her frequent catnaps.

Maybe…

Click Me!

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a bit of a gadget head.  Not a hugely serious one, mind you.    I don’t go out and buy the latest and greatest things as they’re released.  I like to ponder them.  I like to examine them, talk about them, fantasize what it would be like to actually go out and buy the latest and greatest TV/Computer/Media Player/whatever.

More often then not I’ll actually end up convincing other people to buy the things I’m dreaming about.  Ask around.  It’s true.  I live vicariously through other’s purchasing habits.

But every once in a while something will come along that I do consider…

Like today.

Today Apple announce its newest toy, the iPad.  What’s the iPad?  It depends on who you ask.  Apple thinks that it’s the tablet computer that would have been hanging from a vine in the Garden of Eden.  Gadget review sites…they seem to think it’s a super-fast iPhone.  And a very limited one at that.

I’m not qualified to give you all the nitty gritty details on the actual device.  I’ve seen videos, produced by Apple and by review sites of the product, but I haven’t held it in my hands.  I’ve read some articles, but haven’t deep-dived into the details.  I’ve heard some, but not all of the arguments about why this product is great and why it sucks, and I have to say that I agree with both.  There are plenty of websites where you can get all perspectives.

The big question for me is…would I buy one?

I didn’t buy the iPod when it first came out.   I lusted after it, but I ended up buying a second generation one.

I also didn’t get the iPhone when it first came out.  I got an iPhone 3G.

In that line, I may just wait until the second generation comes out to make a decision.  The second generation version will no doubt address any downfalls of the first, including the lack of a camera/video camera.  Also, by that point it’ll be clear whether or not it can take on the Kindle and the Nook in the e-reader market.  I’m desperate to get into the e-reader arena, but I held back from buying a Kindle when it first came out due to cost and now I’m waiting to see which e-reader will end up winning.  The iPad seems to have a gorgeous interface for reading books and magazines, plus theoretically you could use the Amazon Kindle App for iPhone to read Kindle books on the iPad.  It’s very compelling, but I think it’ll take another six months to a year to see which direction publishers end up going.

On the other hand….it’s so pretty right now.  And I could afford one.

On the other other hand, I’ve been saving up for a new lens for my camera.

…I hate these types of decisions.

I think I’d wait.  I think I’ll wait.

Wait and see.